Who Are You?

Values are who we are. Not who we would like to be, not who we think we should be, but who we are in our lives, right now. Another way to put it is that values represent our unique and individual essence, our ultimate and most fulfilling form of expressing and relating to others. Our values serve as a compass, pointing out what it means to be true to oneself. When we honor our values on a regular and consistent basis, life is good and fulfilling. Isn’t that what we all want?

Today is all about who you are and what is important to you.

As a coach, I know that when people contact me, they want a better life. It could for career coaching to get a better job. Or, coaching to cope with a project. Or, to help them figure out why they are not succeeding as well as they want. Or, to improve their leadership skills in today’s new work realities.

All those reasons for coaching are really all about improving their lives. These are just different aspects of improving one’s life. When you are clear about what your values are, it is easier to make decisions in your life. Knowing your own values makes it easier to know when your life has gotten out of whack and how to get back on track. Values are the why and how of the way you live your life.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

(Apology 38a) Socrates.

In today’s living, we are often so busy achieving, doing, searching, accomplishing and getting somewhere (literally and figuratively) that we fail to take the time to examine our lives and see what makes us “tick”. Then, something happens or someone asks us to do something. We don’t like it. However, we can’t really say why it is wrong for us. Others seem to have no problems do it. So, we sweep that unease under the rug of our lives and go on. We do that enough times and we will be miserable, without understanding why. Today we will begin to get to why.

Your life will be more fulfilling when your decisions are viewed through a matrix of well-understood personal values. However, the process of clarifying values is often difficult. This is because we go to our heads to intellectualize and fantasize. Today I want you to look into your life and uncover the values that are already there, in your day-to-day actions and interactions with others.

Do not Google “values list” to get a comprehensive list so that you can be definitive in your answers. That is not the point of today’s exercise. That will not work, because the list becomes an opportunity of voting on which ones are the most desirable or currently in vogue. It reinforces the intellectual urge to figure it out and get the words right. There is no right or wrong on your list. Your values are observable as you live your life. So picking from a list won’t help you. You live in the “real” world. Go there for your list of values.

Grab A Pencil AND Eraser

In a minute, I want you to write down some words on a piece of paper. Just throw down the words. You will be reluctant to do that freely if you have a pen in your hand. Thus, you must choose the correct instrument, a pencil. Pencil can be erased. You don’t have to be perfect. The exact right word is NOT important the first time through this exercise. You will have time to refine things later. No one will see this – until you are ready. Still, experience tells me this exercise works better with a pencil and eraser. The commitment of pencil to paper makes this real. We all seem to be a little commitment-phobic when we are about to make our lives real.

Getting the exact right word will be important at the end. What is more important now is that the approximate label for the value is captured. Values have much more emotional meaning than the definition of a single word allows. Plus, meanings are in people, not in dictionaries. Each individual has his or her own unique meaning for each value. We may have different meanings even though we use the same word.

Use several words together to form a string describing the value. Separating the words with a forward slash makes the string easier to read. Here are some examples:

Integrity/Honesty/Walk-the-talk

Integrity/Whole/Congruent

Fun/sense of humor/playful

After creating the values string, circle the most significant word in your string.

It may take you several months to come up with a fairly complete list of your values. Since values show up over time in our lives, it is unlikely that we will be able to capture them accurately and completely in one or two sittings. Values that are fully defined and elaborated on become a powerful tool in pointing you toward fulfilling choices as you approach a major crossroads or get off track.

Perspectives

I want you to go into your life, not into your head for this exercise.

Relax, get comfortable. Identify special, peak moments when life was especially rewarding or poignant for you. It’s important that the time frame be limited to a “moment.” That will limit the experience to allow you to pinpoint specific values. Ask yourself these questions to uncover what is important to you in one particular moment of time.

• What was happening?
• Who was there and what was happening?
• What are the values being honored in this particular moment?
• What was important right then?
• Distill that experience down to one or two words. What are they?

Repeat this process with several moments in the times of your life. Think about values of achievement or accomplishment; nature and connection; family and individuals; and so forth. When a word resonates or rings true to you, keep elaborating on that value until you have fully captured all the nuances of that value. Keep looking and examining your peak moments that you found to be particularly rich and rewarding. Ask yourself, “What made it rich and rewarding for me?” Remember, all answers are the right answers for you. This is all about you.

A Different Perspective Or Pit Experiences

Another way to isolate your values is to go to the other way. Examine those moments in time that you were in the pit of life’s experiences. When you were angry, frustrated, devastated, upset or in “hell.” This often will help you discover a value that you are suppressing. You flip it over and look at the opposites of those feelings for the value represented. I had a client, “Alicia.” Alicia had a pit experience after her and her team at work successfully finished a project. The team leader had left early in the project and Alicia had stepped into the lead position. During a banquet, kudos were handed out to the team in recognition, but Alicia’s extra contribution was overlooked. She felt angry, frustrated, and upset. After we examined this “pit experience,” the value of acknowledgement appeared. Alicia had suppressed this value because she thought modesty and being a “good girl” were the “correct” values to have. After examining her values, Alicia realized she could be a modest, good girl and receive the acknowledgement she deserved for assuming the team lead role.

If you have felt trapped or cornered, you might have a value around creativity or freedom. The first time through, the vocabulary doesn’t have to be exactly right. It is more important that the word or string of words feel right to you. You can refine your list any time. Think of it as a rough draft right now.

Life, As You Know It

We generally create our lives in a way that demonstrates our values without thinking or knowing exactly what they are. We often live on autopilot. We may not even recognize them until something gets in the way or we need to make a big decision. Then suddenly, we want to know our values. Or, we don’t care until we are in distress – a clear signal a value is being violated or suppressed.

Look also for obsessive behavior. Do you insist on honoring a value and inflate it into a demand rather than a form of self-expression? Remember when your roommate’s value of orderliness became an obsessive demand for perfection? Our friends and families often do us a service by pointing out the obsessive expression of our values: “You are so controlling!” “All you think about is your students.” “You want all the attention.” These statements might point toward a value of personal power/leadership, of learning/growth, and of recognition/acknowledgment. Examine those times when you take certain values to the extreme. “What is it that people say about you? What do you say about yourself?” “What is it that people tease you about or that drives them crazy?” There are important values here that have mutated for some reason. Look for the value, and don’t focus on the mutation.

Beyond the physical requirements of food, shelter, and community, what must you have in your life in order to be fulfilled? Must you have a form of creative self-expression? Must you have adventure and excitement in your life? Must you have partnership and collaboration? Must you be moving toward a sense of accomplishment or success or be surrounded with natural beauty? An underlying

question for the process is What are the values you absolutely must honor—or part of you dies?

This Week’s Coaching

Keep repeating the above exercises over the next few months. Yes, “Months.” Keep refining your list. You haven’t grown your values in a day; you won’t create your list in a day. For some of your big, important values you will have to dig down deep to uncover them. Just like Alicia, you may be suppressing one value because of other values. I encourage you to visit your pit and peak experiences. Both have … value(s).

Keep your list handy. I will be revisiting this subject in a couple of months. Until next week …

Happy self-exploration!

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

All things are possible,

Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund

Executive and Life Coaching

Telephone: 916 • 803•1494

E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com