REPROGRAMMING YOURSELF

Your brain and mind are the most powerful instruments you will ever encounter. The statement that we only use 10% is wrong. The brain is actually always working. It works hard enough to power a ten-watt light bulb, 24/7. 

The statement that we (the human race – we) under utilize our brain is mostly true. I have read scientific articles about Buddhist monks who meditate in 39 degree (F) rooms. They not only keep themselves warm, but also when wrapped in semi-frozen wet blankets, are able to dry the blankets within an hour. That truly is mind over matter.

Now, you may not want to learn mediation to dry your laundry. But, think about all the things that could improve you and your life if you had better use of your brain.

At many hospitals, there are Mind-Body studies. Out of these have come the “relaxation response” techniques to overcome stress and many illnesses. As the name implies, you teach your body to relax in the face of a stressful event. It has been used to treat anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, heartbeat irregularities, excessive anger, insomnia and even fertility problems. It works by producing changes in metabolism; breathing rate, heart rate and thermoregulation. These Mind-Body centers are studying other ways meditation can help the mind control physical processes once thought to be uncontrollable.

Brain 101
There are three main parts to the brain. There is the mid-brain. This is where the brain stem resides. There is a lot of “stuff” here. It is from this area that most of your unconscious bodily functions (or autonomic processes) are controlled (breathing and heartbeat for example). This is also the seat of your emotions. The cerebrum (the large gray mass of wrinkles we see in pictures of the brain), controls our conscious actions via the central nervous system. It also controls cognitive and conscious functions such as memory, language and motor function. Then there is the cerebellum. This works with both of the other systems to fine-tune your responses. For example, I think, “write my blog article” which becomes hundreds of thoughts and instructions (lift hands, hover over keyboard, push down over appropriate keys, etc.), of which I am only aware of a few. All those thoughts and instructions involve the entire brain. (Does this mean I'm a brainiac?)

Placebos
“One of the major contributors to maintaining health and removing disease is the attitude of the patient”, says Professor Oakley Ray, a psychologist from Vanderbilt University in Tennessee. “Words can have the same effect as drugs.”

The healing properties of a positive expectation are widely accepted today, because of the use of placebos in drug trials. Volunteers react physically to substances that contain nothing, as if they contained the actual drug. The responses elicited by placebos indicate a mind/body interaction that is guided by subjective factors, such as expectation, beliefs, meaning and hope for improvement. The effect is very specific and depends on the information given to the recipient. Tell me this pill will help me, and it usually will.

The next time you are cut-off in traffic. Think about all your responses, reactions and feelings. There is the danger response. The adrenaline flowing through your veins, your heart rate speeds up, your breathing quickens, you may get angry, and so on. What if you had a different response? What if, we can make the unconscious and the conscious brains tune-into each another and produce a different, a better, response?

A Better Response
The brain learns and it can unlearn and relearn. This ability to ‘change its mind’ is called neuro-plasticity in neuroscience. We learn to get angry at being cut-off in traffic. We can learn to take a more detached response and say to ourselves, “That fellow must not have seen me.” And, then we continue on our way without the adrenaline flowing, heart palpitations and heavy breathing.

You can also retrain your brain to be happier. Simple techniques can retrain the brain and body. Traits that appear fixed (mood, temperament, personality) are not permanent. Experiments have shown that experienced mediators have more activity in the left frontal lobe of their brain. It is in that part that happiness and other positive emotions reside. These findings imply that happiness is something we can cultivate through mental training, such as meditation. Mind over matter, intentionally.

Meditation
“One of the most basic mental trainings is the cultivation of mindfulness, especially performed on the basis of observing one’s breathe.” His Holiness the Dalai Lama said this in his book, “The Universe in a Single Atom.” He went on to say, “One of the most crucial elements of training in mindfulness is the development and application of attention. ... In Buddhist psychology, attention is defined as the faculty that helps direct the mind to a chosen object among the variety of sensory information we experience in any given moment.”

Meditation is a practice. That means the more you do it, the better you become. It also means even master monks (who can dry wet blankets in cold rooms) have “off” days. Be gentle with yourself and be patient. Take a class or two. A ritual, such as setting out and lighting a candle, can very helpful in telling your self and your body – time to meditate.

Essentially, meditation is sitting comfortably in a quiet place. Place your hands in your lap. Focus your eyes on an object (e.g., the burning candle), or close your eyes. Breathe. Count to five between your first several breathes. Breathe in for a count of five and then out for a count to five. When that becomes comfortable, just breathe normally. In the beginning, or when you feel overwhelmed, just observe your thoughts. Observe without judgments. Not even a, “why am I thinking about that?” Just observe. The more you just observe, the less activity there will be. Later, focus on a single object. You are going for prolonged attention and a clarity or vividness of which you perceive the object. In the beginning, only sit for ten minutes. Increase the sessions at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Et Voilá! You are meditating. Meditative practices provide a settled and disciplined mind. As a bonus, you are creating happier neurons. More happy neurons mean you become happier. You can retrain your brain to be happier. To make meditation a habit, tie it to something else that you do every morning. For me, I began by tying it to my morning coffee. Make the coffee, turn it on, and go meditate while it brews. Pour the coffee and get on with my morning routine. I often find my cat has curled up in my lap when I go to get up. She meditates too!

This Week’s Coaching
Try meditation. Take a class. Google it and learn more detailed information. I cannot emphasize the benefits enough. Things that bothered you in the past will cease to bother you. By letting go of morning traffic, you'll work better and be in a better mood at work. You'll respond to situations with a more appropriate response. Appropriate for you.

Try it! You’ll like it!

All things are possible,

Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund
Executive and Life Coaching
Telephone: 916 • 803•1494
E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com

3 KEY BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

 or

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Conflict.

What does that word mean to you? What is the perception of conflict? A negative experience, something “bad.” And, something to be avoided. Right?

What are the realities of conflict? The reality is that conflict is a common, everyday occurrence. It is something with which we are all familiar. No surprise, but not all conflicts can be resolved. Surprise, it can be constructive and rewarding.

Effective communication is essential, in the workplace, at home, shopping ... everywhere. Effective communication will reduce conflict and misunderstandings and facilitate “getting along” with each other.

3 Key Barriers

Why does the communication process lead to conflict? Some of the tools to resolving conflict are in understanding the subject. We cannot avoid conflict – it is everywhere. Avoiding conflict is a dysfunction worthy of its own topic.

There are three key barriers to effective communication. We are going to learn how to get break through them and become effective communicators.

1.       Barriers to effective listening

2.      Semantic barriers

3.      Cultural barriers

This is not about a dissatisfied client or an angry person. An angry person can ruin your day, but it is the daily minor conflicts can wear away a person's enthusiasm and joy. It is their very subtlety and smallness that makes us feel as though they are part of the cost of going to work or living with another person. We usually dismiss them with comments, such as, “I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it.” Or, at its extreme, “I need a new place to work.”

Meanings Are In People Not In Words

Language is a barrier. This is also known as semantic barriers. It can also be a cultural barrier. Just because English may be a common language between us, does not mean we are saying the same thing. Even if we are using the same words. Each of us has our own meanings for words because we filter them through our varied beliefs, knowledge, education, experiences, and upbringing. We need to understand that the words may not mean the same things to the listener that they do to the speaker. Meanings are in people not in the words.

It is in the same way we need to be aware of cultural barriers. The listener’s way of doing things may be different from the speaker’s way. The listener’s experiences are different from the speaker’s. Experiences are personal, not right or wrong, just different. That is why diversity is so dynamic and creative. You have to learn and understand where the person you are in conflict with is coming from culturally and linguistically.

Understanding Conflict:

Understanding is key to resolution, and the key to understanding is knowing what we are talking about. We need to understand before we can resolve. What is the definition of conflict?

• Differing goals of the people involved.
• Sometimes a sign that greater change needs to take place.
• Unresolved, it can lead to violence.
• Part of the larger communication picture.

We cannot avoid conflict. Conflict is everywhere and we all need to develop our skills to work with it constructively. To resolve conflict we want to re-direct the focus from the people to the issues. However, to prevent conflict we need to understand the people involved. This is not as contradictory as it sounds.

When we talk about conflict, we are discussing attitudes to the whole of human life. Why do we have conflict? What does it look and sound like?

Some manifestations of conflict:

• Self-esteem:  “If you can't handle the project, Vijay can.”
• Bullying:  “Out of my way, I need the copier for my job.”
• Responsibility:  “Pat never answers the phone in a timely manner.”
• Anger:  “You tick me off.”
• Control:  “We’ll do it my way.”
• Power:  Withholding of key information.
• Fear:  “Enjoy it while you can, we get back to work Monday.”
• Innuendo:  “We’ll keep old Sam around forever to deal with our older customers.”

To some extent, all conflict is cross-cultural. Resolution work therefore aims to help people of differing views and backgrounds to understand each other better. A lot of external conflict is really internal conflict. Many people are not aware of this, even as they are engaging in conflict. It may be your need to be in control that has you in conflict with your sibling, rather than the subject of your conversation/conflict.

Effective Listening

Listening is a key component of effective communication. 40% of our time is spent listening, 35% talking, 16% reading, and 9% writing. That makes listening the foundation of our communication. Studies show people are only about 25% effective at listening.

That is because most people think listening is the same as hearing. However, listening is not instinctive like hearing is. This creates unnecessary problems.

From the dictionary (Webster's New World Dictionary), we get these definitions:

Hear: to be aware of sounds by ear.

Listen: to make a conscious effort to hear.

Listening requires sophisticated mental processes that require energy and discipline. Listening is a learned skill. It is an active skill. There are essentially three levels of listening.

Level 1 – We are tuning in and tuning out, being somewhat aware of others, but mainly paying attention to ourselves and/or our tasks. This is passive listening; the words just wash over us. We are often faking attention while forming judgments, creating a response/rebuttal/advice, thinking about unrelated matters, or preparing what to say next. This is the multi-tasking level of listening.

Level 2 – We stay at the surface of communication and do not understand the deeper meanings of what is said. We try to hear what the speaker is saying, but little effort is made to understand the deeper intent. We are listening logically, being concerned primarily with content rather than the feeling behind the content.

Level 3 – We refrain from judging the talker and place ourselves in their position, attempting to see things from their point of view. Some characteristics of this level include being aware and in the present moment; acknowledging and responding; not letting ourselves become distracted; paying attention to all aspects of communication, body-language, expressions, gestures, tone of voice. Being empathetic to the speaker’s feelings and thoughts; suspending our own thoughts and feelings so attention is focused on the speaker.

Resolution

To be a master in conflict resolution one must be in the present moment, one must seek first to understand, one must see that there is some “right” to both sides of the issue, one must seek resolution, not compromise, and not “winning”. The goal is to enhance the dignity of all participants.

This week’s coaching:

Notice where you have conflict in the coming week. Ask yourself –

1.       What is really going on here?

2.      What may be the under lying issues? (See the manifestations list above.)

3.      Are you really listening to the speaker at level 3? (Which reminds me: you have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Use them in that proportion!)

4.      How can we both win this conflict?

Let me know via the comments section below or by sending me an email, the answers to this week’s coaching questions. I’m curious about your reaction to conflict. What is your conflict resolution quotient?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

All things are possible,

Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund

Executive and Life Coaching

Telephone: 916 • 803•1494

E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com