SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

There seems to be a new way of talking to each other that includes using exaggerated words that immediately takes you to an extreme position. I have even noticed this in the everyday pleasantries at the stores. No longer am I told to ‘have a good day’. Now I’m told to ‘have a great day’. Is great better than good? Do I need to have a great day everyday?

Of course having a ‘great day’ is at least a positive exaggeration. Although a friend jokingly said, “I can’t stand the pressure to have a great day. It makes me feel bad when my day is only good.” I am not positive my friend was completely joking. Therein lays a problem with using exaggerated language. You have to be at an extreme position. I am happy for all my good days. I am happy for my bad days too. Bad days make my good days sweeter. Some days, are just … ok – neither good nor bad. Just another day that happened. How un-extreme can you get?

At its worst, extreme language can incite riots, hate crimes and other violence. At the memorial for the Oklahoma City bombing on April 16, 2010, Bill Clinton said, “the words we use really do matter.”

The Words We Use Really Do Matter

Former President Clinton said incendiary language might be taken the wrong way by some people. “But what we learned from Oklahoma City is not that we should gag each other or that we should reduce our passion for the positions we hold, but that the words we use really do matter because there are – there’s this vast echo chamber. And they go across space and they fall on the serious and the delirious, alike; they fall on the connected and the unhinged, alike,” he said.

When you use extreme language, people who don’t know you well, don’t know how to gauge the seriousness of your speech. They may act on your speech in ways you don’t anticipate. Haven’t we all said, “I’ll kill so and so, if they do such.” What if the person you were talking to actually killed that person? I can hear you now, “Everyone knows (or should have known) I was just upset/kidding.” Why? Say what you mean (I’m very upset with so and so for wanting to do this), and mean what you what you say (it will bother me or anger me).

A Contentious Time

More people were working harder for less. And now, we have the highest percentage of Americans who’ve been out of work for six months or more than we have had in decades. This can be disorienting. People are looking for anchors to make life simple and understandable, and sometimes with the idea that they need to go back to an idyllic time that never existed. So then, Arizona passes a law based on how you look. All of this is really about how to feel secure in the face of insecurity, how to feel ordered in the face of apparent chaos.

However, we can’t let the debate veer so far into hatred that we lose focus of our common humanity. That is very important. We can’t ever fudge the fact that there is a basic line dividing criticism from violence or its advocacy. And the closer you get to the line, and the more responsibility you have, the more you have to think about the echo chamber in which your words resonate. We live in a highly contentious, partisan and uncertain time.

The same is true in the language being used today. The media is “this vast echo chamber” and that language is falling “on the serious and delirious alike.” When you demonize someone, you can’t claim surprise when someone then acts violently towards them. You have to take the responsibility for your words and your actions. Mr. Clinton went on, "But remember, words have consequences as much as actions do, and what we advocate, commensurate with our position and responsibility, we have to take responsibility for.”

Simple Solutions

Part of the allure of extreme language is that it removes all the gray areas. It removes most of the complexities of the discussion, and boils it down to “us” versus “them”. And, “us” is right and “them” is wrong. It closes the discussion. It creates a shouting match, where the louder voice wins. Often that louder voice is an abusive voice. In eliminating all the gray areas, it artificially simplifies things. It appears that the solution is simple. Of course, the right way is my way.

Our world is a complex place, full of different ways of thinking, of being, and of living. We have a variety of religions, governments and philosophies. That can make it a scary place when you only think in terms of right or wrong, “us” or “them.” If you don’t learn about these differences, it can be scary because you don’t know “them” or what they are thinking. So it is better to condemn “them” first and learn about “them” second. You can’t be too careful, you know. That is an emotional response. Much as standing in a theater and shouting “fire” is an emotional response. It gets people moving, but in a chaotic way; in a way that causes more damage and less solution.

Instead, we should be open the richness of the discussion. All those points of view see things that other views don’t. If you have a busy intersection, with four people each standing on a different corner, each one will see a different car accident in the center of the intersection. That is true even if each one is the same gender, religion, ethnic group, etc. That doesn’t make one of the people wrong and another right. It just means each person sees it from a different angle and reaches a different conclusion. Or maybe they reach the same conclusion, but for a different reason.

That makes the viewers of the accident all right AND all wrong. All only have a piece of the entire accident. It is only when you put all the viewpoints together do you have a complete picture. When everyone comes together to the discussion and airs their points of view in an open and respectful atmosphere, do you start to see a whole picture. Then compromise can enter and a viable solution can be found.

We all want the world to make sense. But it won’t be found in strident, extreme language. It won’t be found in artificially simple solutions. It won’t be found only in emotions or only in rational thinking. Instead of dividing ourselves into the “us” and ‘them” camps, let us come together. Let us celebrate our differences. In the celebration will come learning about each other. Perhaps a new way of looking at old problems. And in that new way of looking, a new solution. Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Perhaps it will be just a different solution. Only when diversity comes together and is shared, do you have a complete picture. The whole story. And only then, can real solutions be found and implemented. What we have in common is more important than our differences.

This week’s coaching:

Say only what you mean.

1.       Examine your language and word choices this week.

2.      Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.

3.      Avoid using extreme language or incendiary language.

4.      Use the power of your words in the direction of truth.

5.      Carry a positive tone in your words and be a constructive contributor to the conversations around you.

6.      Find out what you have in common with those around you.

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

All things are possible,

Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund

Executive and Life Coaching

Telephone: 916 • 803•1494

E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com