Are You a Good Listener?

How good are your listening skills? Sit back and evaluate how well you are listening. If you are brave, ask the people around you how well you listen. Your perception of how well you hear what someone is saying, and their perception of how well you heard them, may not be the same. In listening, their perception counts more. The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of time. If the person you are talking to feels you have truly heard and understood what they have to say, you have given them a gift. That gift will be precious to them. If you are talking with a loved one, you have validated their relationship with you. If you are talking to your boss, your listening skills will tell them if they want to promote you, or not. Poor listening skills set the standard in most offices. This unfortunate condition generates miscommunication, misunderstanding, and unnecessary repetition. Luckily, good listening skills are easy to gain. Pop quiz: What are you doing when you are in a conversation? Are you listening to what the person is saying, or are you formulating a response? Are you breathing, or, are you holding your breath? Here are some strategies for good listening. Pay attention, there will be a test.

1. Be silent. Let people finish their sentences, then pause before you answer. The break forces you to consider what was just said, and the person will appreciate your thoughtful response.
2. Be still. Be in a position to listen. In the office, hold calls, step aside with the person or close the door, and face the person. Pay attention. Do not scan e-mail, open envelopes, shuffle paper, or file. At home, don’t do the dishes, dust or sort clothes for the laundry. If this is not a good time to listen, reschedule for a time you are able to listen.
3. Be careful to not interrupt. Do not talk over people or cut off their message so yours can dominate. Use the 80-20 rule. Listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time. And I mean that as a 20% maximum. Less talk is more listening. You have two ears, but only one mouth.
4. Guard against dismissing or diminishing what people are telling you. If you even think about rolling your eyes, close them and gain control before opening them. Eye-rolling is a demonstration of a lack of respect. Don’t slip into the phrases “here it comes again” or “we’ve already tried that”. Respect their opinions. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but they have as much right to their opinion as you do to yours. Besides, it might just work this time.
5. Listen to what is being said, and to what is not said, but clearly communicated. This often is the situation during conflict. A great technique to use is to say, “I just heard you say … ,” and then re-state what you heard back to the person. This demonstrates you were actively listening to what they said and have genuine concern for clear communication. A variation of this technique is to say, “I heard you say … , but I feel you meant … .” If the person is angry, be calm and acknowledge the feeling before the content: “I understand you are upset, let’s find a solution.” Then ask for the details of what is upsetting to them. Use their language (without the profanity) when possible: “What did he do that makes you feel ‘his attitude sucks’?”
6. Diversity is a wonderful thing. So actively listen and learn the conversation styles and meanings of those around you. Even within the borders of California, English words mean different things in different parts of the state. If you treat everyone as coming from a foreign country using English as a second language, you will reduce the number of miscommunications due to improper assumptions about what they are trying to say. Remember, meanings are in people, not in the words. [F.Y.I.-this is an especially helpful technique to use with your partner. Even if you were both born and raised on the same street, in the same city, you will have come from different cultures. An example: one family will “save” saying “I love you” for special occasions and for the other family this is a daily greeting. The partner A will feel that partner B doesn’t feel it because B ‘never’ says it; and partner B will feel partner A is diluting the meaning because A says it everyday. Viva la differance!]
7. Surround yourself with people who will keep you honest and open and force you to listen to what you need to hear. That is how you grow and expand your knowledge, mind and horizons.

Remember, practice makes perfect. So practice active listening in all arenas of your life and watch the quality of your relationships improve. The Test [as promised] 1. Rolling one’s eyes as a response in conversation is: a) A lively conversational technique b) Only done by erudite people (look it up, expand your vocabulary) c) Something to avoid as it is rude and alienating 2. In listening, whose perception of good listening counts more? a) The voyeur’s. That is the only objective person here. b) The listener’s, obviously c) The talker’s perception, that is the person trying to be understood 3. The greatest gift you can give someone is: a) Gold, it is always the best investment b) Stocks, because they can only go up c) Time, because it can’t be stored 4. Poor listening skills set the standard in most offices. This leads to: a) Gossip, rumour, and scandal b) Silence, peace, and tranquillity c) Miscommunication, misunderstanding, and unnecessary repetition 5. Formulating a response while someone is talking is: a) A quick way to keep the conversation moving b) A good way to get my point across, after all, I’m always right (am too!) c) Bad listening technique because you’re not paying attention to what the person is saying, so you only hear part of what is said 6. Interrupting people during a conversation, tells them what about you? a) That I am eagerly participating in the conversation b) That I am goal oriented and will reach my quota of 80% talking time c) That I don’t really care about their opinion 7. One of the best compliments you can give is to say someone is a good listener. a) False. People go to Ireland just to kiss the Blarney Stone and become good Talkers! b) False. Listener, shmistner! Listening is over-rated, besides, being quiet is hard c) True. The irony is, everyone will listen to what a Listener has to say (The correct answers to all questions is “C”.)

Be silent, pay attention, be calm, don’t interrupt, respect others’ opinions, repeat for clarity, be alert to diversity, and you will become known for being a good listener.

Are you one of the millions of people who hate to go to work in the morning? Or on Sunday, you dread Mondays? What I do is help you indentify your transferrable skills, your values and combine that with your interests, passions and experiences. It is a process of learning all about who you are, what you want to contribute and how to do that. Then we come up with your personalized career path to your dream job. Call me now to make your dreams a reality.

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Warmly, Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund Executive And Life Coaching Telephone: 916 • 803•1494 E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com