Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?
Conflict.
What does that word mean to you? What is the perception of conflict? A negative experience, something “bad.” And, something to be avoided. Right?
What are the realities of conflict? The reality is that conflict is a common, everyday occurrence. It is something with which we are all familiar. No surprise, but not all conflicts can be resolved. Surprise, it can be constructive and rewarding.
Effective communication is essential, in the workplace, at home, shopping ... everywhere. Effective communication will reduce conflict and misunderstandings and facilitate “getting along” with each other.
3 Key Barriers
Why does the communication process lead to conflict? Some of the tools to resolving conflict are in understanding the subject. We cannot avoid conflict – it is everywhere. Avoiding conflict is a dysfunction worthy of its own topic.
There are three key barriers to effective communication. We are going to learn how to get break through them and become effective communicators.
1. Barriers to effective listening
2. Semantic barriers
3. Cultural barriers
This is not about a dissatisfied client or an angry person. An angry person can ruin your day, but it is the daily minor conflicts can wear away a person's enthusiasm and joy. It is their very subtlety and smallness that makes us feel as though they are part of the cost of going to work or living with another person. We usually dismiss them with comments, such as, “I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it.” Or, at its extreme, “I need a new place to work.”
Meanings Are In People Not In Words
Language is a barrier. This is also known as semantic barriers. It can also be a cultural barrier. Just because English may be a common language between us, does not mean we are saying the same thing. Even if we are using the same words. Each of us has our own meanings for words because we filter them through our varied beliefs, knowledge, education, experiences, and upbringing. We need to understand that the words may not mean the same things to the listener that they do to the speaker. Meanings are in people not in the words.
It is in the same way we need to be aware of cultural barriers. The listener’s way of doing things may be different from the speaker’s way. The listener’s experiences are different from the speaker’s. Experiences are personal, not right or wrong, just different. That is why diversity is so dynamic and creative. You have to learn and understand where the person you are in conflict with is coming from culturally and linguistically.
Understanding Conflict:
Understanding is key to resolution, and the key to understanding is knowing what we are talking about. We need to understand before we can resolve. What is the definition of conflict?
- Differing goals of the people involved.
- Sometimes a sign that greater change needs to take place.
- Unresolved, it can lead to violence.
- Part of the larger communication picture.
We cannot avoid conflict. Conflict is everywhere and we all need to develop our skills to work with it constructively. To resolve conflict we want to re-direct the focus from the people to the issues. However, to prevent conflict we need to understand the people involved. This is not as contradictory as it sounds.
When we talk about conflict, we are discussing attitudes to the whole of human life. Why do we have conflict? What does it look and sound like?
Some manifestations of conflict:
- Self-esteem: “If you can't handle the project, Vijay can.”
- Bullying: “Out of my way, I need the copier for my job.”
- Responsibility: “Pat never answers the phone in a timely manner.”
- Anger: “You tick me off.”
- Control: “We’ll do it my way.”
- Power: Withholding of key information.
- Fear: “Enjoy it while you can, we get back to work Monday.”
- Innuendo: “We’ll keep old Sam around forever to deal with our older customers.”
To some extent, all conflict is cross-cultural. Resolution work therefore aims to help people of differing views and backgrounds to understand each other better. A lot of external conflict is really internal conflict. Many people are not aware of this, even as they are engaging in conflict. It may be your need to be in control that has you in conflict with your sibling, rather than the subject of your conversation/conflict.
Effective Listening
Listening is a key component of effective communication. 40% of our time is spent listening, 35% talking, 16% reading, and 9% writing. That makes listening the foundation of our communication. Studies show people are only about 25% effective at listening.
That is because most people think listening is the same as hearing. However, listening is not instinctive like hearing is. This creates unnecessary problems.
From the dictionary (Webster's New World Dictionary), we get these definitions:
Hear: to be aware of sounds by ear.
Listen: to make a conscious effort to hear.
Listening requires sophisticated mental processes that require energy and discipline. Listening is a learned skill. It is an active skill. There are essentially three levels of listening.
Level 1 – We are tuning in and tuning out, being somewhat aware of others, but mainly paying attention to ourselves and/or our tasks. This is passive listening; the words just wash over us. We are often faking attention while forming judgments, creating a response/rebuttal/advice, thinking about unrelated matters, or preparing what to say next. This is the multi-tasking level of listening.
Level 2 – We stay at the surface of communication and do not understand the deeper meanings of what is said. We try to hear what the speaker is saying, but little effort is made to understand the deeper intent. We are listening logically, being concerned primarily with content rather than the feeling behind the content.
Level 3 – We refrain from judging the talker and place ourselves in their position, attempting to see things from their point of view. Some characteristics of this level include being aware and in the present moment; acknowledging and responding; not letting ourselves become distracted; paying attention to all aspects of communication, body-language, expressions, gestures, tone of voice. Being empathetic to the speaker’s feelings and thoughts; suspending our own thoughts and feelings so attention is focused on the speaker.
Resolution
To be a master in conflict resolution one must be in the present moment, one must seek first to understand, one must see that there is some “right” to both sides of the issue, one must seek resolution, not compromise, and not “winning”. The goal is to enhance the dignity of all participants.
This week’s coaching:
Notice where you have conflict in the coming week. Ask yourself –
1. What is really going on here?
2. What may be the under lying issues? (See the manifestations list above.)
3. Are you really listening to the speaker at level 3? (Which reminds me: you have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Use them in that proportion!)
4. How can we both win this conflict?
Let me know via the comments section below or by sending me an email, the answers to this week’s coaching questions. I’m curious about your reaction to conflict. What is your conflict resolution quotient?
A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.
All things are possible,
Elisabeth
Elisabeth Adler-Lund
Executive and Life Coaching
Telephone: 916 • 803•1494
E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com
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