3 KEY BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

 or

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Conflict.

What does that word mean to you? What is the perception of conflict? A negative experience, something “bad.” And, something to be avoided. Right?

What are the realities of conflict? The reality is that conflict is a common, everyday occurrence. It is something with which we are all familiar. No surprise, but not all conflicts can be resolved. Surprise, it can be constructive and rewarding.

Effective communication is essential, in the workplace, at home, shopping ... everywhere. Effective communication will reduce conflict and misunderstandings and facilitate “getting along” with each other.

3 Key Barriers

Why does the communication process lead to conflict? Some of the tools to resolving conflict are in understanding the subject. We cannot avoid conflict – it is everywhere. Avoiding conflict is a dysfunction worthy of its own topic.

There are three key barriers to effective communication. We are going to learn how to get break through them and become effective communicators.

1.       Barriers to effective listening

2.      Semantic barriers

3.      Cultural barriers

This is not about a dissatisfied client or an angry person. An angry person can ruin your day, but it is the daily minor conflicts can wear away a person's enthusiasm and joy. It is their very subtlety and smallness that makes us feel as though they are part of the cost of going to work or living with another person. We usually dismiss them with comments, such as, “I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it.” Or, at its extreme, “I need a new place to work.”

Meanings Are In People Not In Words

Language is a barrier. This is also known as semantic barriers. It can also be a cultural barrier. Just because English may be a common language between us, does not mean we are saying the same thing. Even if we are using the same words. Each of us has our own meanings for words because we filter them through our varied beliefs, knowledge, education, experiences, and upbringing. We need to understand that the words may not mean the same things to the listener that they do to the speaker. Meanings are in people not in the words.

It is in the same way we need to be aware of cultural barriers. The listener’s way of doing things may be different from the speaker’s way. The listener’s experiences are different from the speaker’s. Experiences are personal, not right or wrong, just different. That is why diversity is so dynamic and creative. You have to learn and understand where the person you are in conflict with is coming from culturally and linguistically.

Understanding Conflict:

Understanding is key to resolution, and the key to understanding is knowing what we are talking about. We need to understand before we can resolve. What is the definition of conflict?

• Differing goals of the people involved.
• Sometimes a sign that greater change needs to take place.
• Unresolved, it can lead to violence.
• Part of the larger communication picture.

We cannot avoid conflict. Conflict is everywhere and we all need to develop our skills to work with it constructively. To resolve conflict we want to re-direct the focus from the people to the issues. However, to prevent conflict we need to understand the people involved. This is not as contradictory as it sounds.

When we talk about conflict, we are discussing attitudes to the whole of human life. Why do we have conflict? What does it look and sound like?

Some manifestations of conflict:

• Self-esteem:  “If you can't handle the project, Vijay can.”
• Bullying:  “Out of my way, I need the copier for my job.”
• Responsibility:  “Pat never answers the phone in a timely manner.”
• Anger:  “You tick me off.”
• Control:  “We’ll do it my way.”
• Power:  Withholding of key information.
• Fear:  “Enjoy it while you can, we get back to work Monday.”
• Innuendo:  “We’ll keep old Sam around forever to deal with our older customers.”

To some extent, all conflict is cross-cultural. Resolution work therefore aims to help people of differing views and backgrounds to understand each other better. A lot of external conflict is really internal conflict. Many people are not aware of this, even as they are engaging in conflict. It may be your need to be in control that has you in conflict with your sibling, rather than the subject of your conversation/conflict.

Effective Listening

Listening is a key component of effective communication. 40% of our time is spent listening, 35% talking, 16% reading, and 9% writing. That makes listening the foundation of our communication. Studies show people are only about 25% effective at listening.

That is because most people think listening is the same as hearing. However, listening is not instinctive like hearing is. This creates unnecessary problems.

From the dictionary (Webster's New World Dictionary), we get these definitions:

Hear: to be aware of sounds by ear.

Listen: to make a conscious effort to hear.

Listening requires sophisticated mental processes that require energy and discipline. Listening is a learned skill. It is an active skill. There are essentially three levels of listening.

Level 1 – We are tuning in and tuning out, being somewhat aware of others, but mainly paying attention to ourselves and/or our tasks. This is passive listening; the words just wash over us. We are often faking attention while forming judgments, creating a response/rebuttal/advice, thinking about unrelated matters, or preparing what to say next. This is the multi-tasking level of listening.

Level 2 – We stay at the surface of communication and do not understand the deeper meanings of what is said. We try to hear what the speaker is saying, but little effort is made to understand the deeper intent. We are listening logically, being concerned primarily with content rather than the feeling behind the content.

Level 3 – We refrain from judging the talker and place ourselves in their position, attempting to see things from their point of view. Some characteristics of this level include being aware and in the present moment; acknowledging and responding; not letting ourselves become distracted; paying attention to all aspects of communication, body-language, expressions, gestures, tone of voice. Being empathetic to the speaker’s feelings and thoughts; suspending our own thoughts and feelings so attention is focused on the speaker.

Resolution

To be a master in conflict resolution one must be in the present moment, one must seek first to understand, one must see that there is some “right” to both sides of the issue, one must seek resolution, not compromise, and not “winning”. The goal is to enhance the dignity of all participants.

This week’s coaching:

Notice where you have conflict in the coming week. Ask yourself –

1.       What is really going on here?

2.      What may be the under lying issues? (See the manifestations list above.)

3.      Are you really listening to the speaker at level 3? (Which reminds me: you have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Use them in that proportion!)

4.      How can we both win this conflict?

Let me know via the comments section below or by sending me an email, the answers to this week’s coaching questions. I’m curious about your reaction to conflict. What is your conflict resolution quotient?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

All things are possible,

Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund

Executive and Life Coaching

Telephone: 916 • 803•1494

E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

There seems to be a new way of talking to each other that includes using exaggerated words that immediately takes you to an extreme position. I have even noticed this in the everyday pleasantries at the stores. No longer am I told to ‘have a good day’. Now I’m told to ‘have a great day’. Is great better than good? Do I need to have a great day everyday?

Of course having a ‘great day’ is at least a positive exaggeration. Although a friend jokingly said, “I can’t stand the pressure to have a great day. It makes me feel bad when my day is only good.” I am not positive my friend was completely joking. Therein lays a problem with using exaggerated language. You have to be at an extreme position. I am happy for all my good days. I am happy for my bad days too. Bad days make my good days sweeter. Some days, are just … ok – neither good nor bad. Just another day that happened. How un-extreme can you get?

At its worst, extreme language can incite riots, hate crimes and other violence. At the memorial for the Oklahoma City bombing on April 16, 2010, Bill Clinton said, “the words we use really do matter.”

The Words We Use Really Do Matter

Former President Clinton said incendiary language might be taken the wrong way by some people. “But what we learned from Oklahoma City is not that we should gag each other or that we should reduce our passion for the positions we hold, but that the words we use really do matter because there are – there’s this vast echo chamber. And they go across space and they fall on the serious and the delirious, alike; they fall on the connected and the unhinged, alike,” he said.

When you use extreme language, people who don’t know you well, don’t know how to gauge the seriousness of your speech. They may act on your speech in ways you don’t anticipate. Haven’t we all said, “I’ll kill so and so, if they do such.” What if the person you were talking to actually killed that person? I can hear you now, “Everyone knows (or should have known) I was just upset/kidding.” Why? Say what you mean (I’m very upset with so and so for wanting to do this), and mean what you what you say (it will bother me or anger me).

A Contentious Time

More people were working harder for less. And now, we have the highest percentage of Americans who’ve been out of work for six months or more than we have had in decades. This can be disorienting. People are looking for anchors to make life simple and understandable, and sometimes with the idea that they need to go back to an idyllic time that never existed. So then, Arizona passes a law based on how you look. All of this is really about how to feel secure in the face of insecurity, how to feel ordered in the face of apparent chaos.

However, we can’t let the debate veer so far into hatred that we lose focus of our common humanity. That is very important. We can’t ever fudge the fact that there is a basic line dividing criticism from violence or its advocacy. And the closer you get to the line, and the more responsibility you have, the more you have to think about the echo chamber in which your words resonate. We live in a highly contentious, partisan and uncertain time.

The same is true in the language being used today. The media is “this vast echo chamber” and that language is falling “on the serious and delirious alike.” When you demonize someone, you can’t claim surprise when someone then acts violently towards them. You have to take the responsibility for your words and your actions. Mr. Clinton went on, "But remember, words have consequences as much as actions do, and what we advocate, commensurate with our position and responsibility, we have to take responsibility for.”

Simple Solutions

Part of the allure of extreme language is that it removes all the gray areas. It removes most of the complexities of the discussion, and boils it down to “us” versus “them”. And, “us” is right and “them” is wrong. It closes the discussion. It creates a shouting match, where the louder voice wins. Often that louder voice is an abusive voice. In eliminating all the gray areas, it artificially simplifies things. It appears that the solution is simple. Of course, the right way is my way.

Our world is a complex place, full of different ways of thinking, of being, and of living. We have a variety of religions, governments and philosophies. That can make it a scary place when you only think in terms of right or wrong, “us” or “them.” If you don’t learn about these differences, it can be scary because you don’t know “them” or what they are thinking. So it is better to condemn “them” first and learn about “them” second. You can’t be too careful, you know. That is an emotional response. Much as standing in a theater and shouting “fire” is an emotional response. It gets people moving, but in a chaotic way; in a way that causes more damage and less solution.

Instead, we should be open the richness of the discussion. All those points of view see things that other views don’t. If you have a busy intersection, with four people each standing on a different corner, each one will see a different car accident in the center of the intersection. That is true even if each one is the same gender, religion, ethnic group, etc. That doesn’t make one of the people wrong and another right. It just means each person sees it from a different angle and reaches a different conclusion. Or maybe they reach the same conclusion, but for a different reason.

That makes the viewers of the accident all right AND all wrong. All only have a piece of the entire accident. It is only when you put all the viewpoints together do you have a complete picture. When everyone comes together to the discussion and airs their points of view in an open and respectful atmosphere, do you start to see a whole picture. Then compromise can enter and a viable solution can be found.

We all want the world to make sense. But it won’t be found in strident, extreme language. It won’t be found in artificially simple solutions. It won’t be found only in emotions or only in rational thinking. Instead of dividing ourselves into the “us” and ‘them” camps, let us come together. Let us celebrate our differences. In the celebration will come learning about each other. Perhaps a new way of looking at old problems. And in that new way of looking, a new solution. Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Perhaps it will be just a different solution. Only when diversity comes together and is shared, do you have a complete picture. The whole story. And only then, can real solutions be found and implemented. What we have in common is more important than our differences.

This week’s coaching:

Say only what you mean.

1.       Examine your language and word choices this week.

2.      Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.

3.      Avoid using extreme language or incendiary language.

4.      Use the power of your words in the direction of truth.

5.      Carry a positive tone in your words and be a constructive contributor to the conversations around you.

6.      Find out what you have in common with those around you.

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

All things are possible,

Elisabeth

Elisabeth Adler-Lund

Executive and Life Coaching

Telephone: 916 • 803•1494

E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com